A friend of mine recently coughed up one of those trite axioms of pop psychology. It’s very unlike her, but I felt I had to reply to it as it’s one of those li’l issues that really fries my egg. She stated:

“You must love yourself before you can love anyone else.”



Never has such blatant misinformed guidance been spewed out so regularly by people who speak as if they know, but don't know what they're saying. Now before you get all bent out of shape, we're not talking about low self-esteem here. I am a firm believer in having a healthy self-esteem, but there is a Universe of difference between self-love and self-esteem. Low self esteem comes from listening to mind lies. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.

Let's take an average 13 year old competing with all those other teens in school. She's a little overweight, comes from a below average income family and doesn't have the opportunities afforded to her peers. She's quiet. Doesn't say much to people and her grades are average. Her mother is a single parent trying to make ends meet and her father was abusive and left years ago. Let's call her, Linda.

Linda's mind has developed a concept over the years of who Linda is. Its concept says that Linda is ugly, stupid, fat and a loser. Her mind is sure that no one could possibly love Linda. To make matters worse, it thinks that its concept of Linda IS Linda and if that concept were to change, it would destroy Linda, thereby destroying itself. Therefore, any attempt to change Linda becomes a survival struggle for her mind.

To keep Linda from changing, her mind proves to her that its concept is correct. If she walks past people whispering in the hall, her mind tells her, "You see, they're telling each other how badly you dress." If she looks fondly at someone, her mind tells her, "Who would go out with you. No one could love you." If her mother comes home tired and frustrated from a hard days work and snaps at Linda for some reason, her mind responds, "See? Even your mother doesn't love you. You don't deserve love."

The thing to remember is that this starts very young and continues without notice. It's not so blatant in the beginning but it gets worse as the years continue. Linda starts overeating. She doesn't get out much. Her clothing is out of date and doesn't fit very well. As her teen years continue, she gets deeper and deeper into depression. If she continues to listen to the lies her mind is telling her about herself, it could even lead to suicide.

You could substitute a myriad of other situations into this example. A thin girl that thinks she's fat. A perfectly normal girl who feels unloved. It doesn't take much for the mind to start this deadly game. It takes a strong self-esteem to fight against it. It's not easy to say, "No!" to your own mind.

As you can see, loving yourself has nothing to do with the problem.

I think all of us have been depressed from time to time. It’s an ugly thing. Try this exercise. Think about all those times that you’ve been really depressed, torn up, sad, miserable. There is a thread running through these instances. What’s the common denominator each time you’re depressed? What’s the same?

YOU are there. You’re focus is on Y-O-U. Big time. “No one loves me. I hate life. I’m hurting,” and so on forever.

Now think about those times when you’re really enjoying life. You are at your happiest. What’s the common denominator this time? You’ve vanished. Your focus is on everyone and everything else. You’re not thinking of yourself at all.

For you Christian shrinks out there that use this idea of the necessity of self-love, where do you find it in the Bible? It’s not there, admit it. God never said it. Jesus never said it. In fact, he said the exact opposite. Love others. Jesus knew that when the focus is on others you build self-esteem. “Give to the poor. Visit people in prison.” See? Where’s the focus? On others! True givers who expect nothing in return have healthy self-esteems.

If you want to be popular, don’t try to be interesting. The focus is on you and that’s a turn-off. Be INTERESTED. Focus on others. That’s a turn-on.

Knowing yourself and being comfortable with who you are is a world of difference from the narcissistic idea of loving yourself. Keep someone in your life who will tell you the truth concerning who you are so you can fight the mind lies. Then do the same for them. That is REAL friendship.

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